Our Almost Baby Story
I really can’t believe I’m sharing this.
I had actually written this post already in November, but the story line was completely different. I had planned this amazing way to tell all of you that I was pregnant.
As you may recall in my engagement story, the WILD ride on November 9th didn’t end there. When I wrote that post, I had already discovered I was pregnant. I was beaming, or “glowing” as they say, with joy when I was writing it but I knew it was too soon to share. I had imagined writing a post about my spirituality and believing that through the tragedy of losing Sergio’s mother, she sent us a little angel. Sergio and I cried (for the thousandth time that week) in complete happiness at the thought of starting a family together. We found out less than 24 hours after we buried his mother. It honestly felt like the universe had planned this, that something bigger than us was at work to bring this little miracle into our lives completely unplanned.
It’s 3 weeks post surgery and I’m finally ready to share my story. It feels like the right time to let go of the past and move forward in the new year.
I’m not sharing this for sympathy, I honestly can’t bear one more “I’m sorry”. It’s like reliving it every time someone feels sorry for me and I can’t bear to spread any level of sadness around me. I’m sharing my story because I hope this can bring some solace to other women going through this, you’re not alone. Some women may read this that have never been pregnant but may remember this story if they do go through this in the future, sadly, it’s very common. For women that will never experience this, it will hopefully give you a chance to appreciate what’s important and to be thankful for your blessings, something we tend to ignore through the bustle of life.
Before I was pregnant I had no idea how common miscarriages were, not a clue. I mean, I knew you weren’t supposed to announce before a certain time but when I discovered anywhere between 30% - 50% of pregnancies are non-viable I couldn’t believe it. I also didn’t believe I could be a part of that statistic.
I had never felt more alone and broken in my entire life when our doctor broke the news. Of course, I had Sergio, family and friends but I feIt completely on my own because it was happening to MY body. It wasn’t until we told our friends what had happened that we discovered nearly everyone we knew had been through this. How didn’t I know?
It’s such a private topic. It’s not easy to talk about but when I shared, it helped others open up and I felt so comforted by this seemingly secret community I was now a part of. It really helped me the most. I hope this post can help others share their story, it’s happening to millions of women all around us and we’re not alone.
Here’s what happened...
Even before I found out I was expecting, I felt pregnant, hence taking a pregnancy test and confirming all my symptoms weren’t just a mad case of PMS. My boobs hurt LIKE HELL. I was so sleepy, I literally slept for 2 days straight on my 4th week, I almost fell asleep standing up 3 different times and if I didn’t get a nap after lunch I felt like I might actually die. Around week 7, like most mothers, I starting feeling queasy at the sight of certain things, smells and even thoughts of foods that might smell or taste bad made me feel sick.
I was dealing but I loved every second of it. I couldn’t wait to wake up in the morning and take my prenatal vitamins or have a fresh meal. It felt like I was feeding my baby. We picked out names for a girl and a boy, we even went and looked for bigger apartments. We were in full baby mode.
At my 9 week appointment, Sergio and I went in expecting to get our first view of the baby on the ultrasound and the heartbeat. We had been following along on an app that tells us what the baby looks like each day. We knew what we were expecting to see. Almost immediately after the doctor started we could tell something was wrong. I actually said, “holy shit, I’ll die if I’m having twins” but her response was the exact opposite.
She immediately explained that she wasn’t seeing what should be seeing at this stage. She went on and discovered that there was a chromosomal abnormality called a Blighted Ovum.
This particular scenario is pretty fucking wacky.
Basically, in a normal miscarriage, the embryo stops developing and when the body discovers the pregnancy isn’t viable, it will begin to miscarry. However with my situation, the baby stopped growing but the gestational sac kept growing as normal so my body had no clue I didn’t have a healthy developing fetus. It was just moving along as scheduled as if nothing was wrong.
What a mind fuck. Talk about feeling like a stranger in your own body. I was walking around with death inside me. My most dominant feeling through all of this was deceit. I felt betrayed by my body, as if someone had told me a lie and I just found out the truth. I felt like a fool for telling my friends and family and all for all the plans I made.
It wasn’t until we walked outside of the hospital that we both completely broke down for that first real moment. We walked all the way home just holding each other. Probably about an hour after I finally sat down and ate some food I started to really process. I felt completely broken, like my body didn’t work properly on so many levels. I talked to a few doctors and they recommended that I have surgery immediately since there could be complications or infection if I waited for my body to recognize the issue. At this point I was eager to get in for surgery because I was completely terrified and I felt like I couldn’t begin to move on until it was actually over. Nothing was more painful than walking around for 7 days with this failure inside me. Those were the longest, most tortured days of my life, emotionally and physically. I was still having growing pains because my uterus was still expanding for a baby that wasn’t growing. I felt like I was filled with poison, like I was a ticking time bomb. I was in a really bad place.
It took 7 days to get my surgery and once it was “over” it was no walk in the park. I woke up from surgery in hysteria, screaming, crying in horrific pain. I stayed in bed for days lying to people about why I was unavailable, dealing with angry clients and just ignoring them. How do you tell someone what has just happened, does it just sound like an excuse? Talk about an awkward email! I just kept it to myself.
It really put a lot in perspective for me. The type of crap I deal with on a daily basis became completely intolerable. I’m going through this and someone is complaining about how they’re not getting thousands of followers on Instagram everyday? Like, really? HUGE EYE OPENER. It made me reevaluate my entire business, for the better.
I had a complication a week after surgery. Not all of the material was removed so my body went into an actual miscarriage on its own while my body was still healing. I yelled in pain at every contraction which lasted for 3 straight days. I was so exhausted.
I saw my doctor last week and finally there is light at the end of the tunnel. I feel like myself again, and it all seemed like a really bad nightmare. For anyone wondering why I wasn’t posting or being present on stories, I just couldn’t fake it. I was in bed almost everyday for a month, moving to my couch was as much excitement as I could muster up. I’m honestly still tired.
Through all this, I’ve never been more grateful for all of the other blessings I have in my life. Sometimes it takes something bad to happen before we recognize them. It shouldn’t be that way. Reflecting and appreciating are easily ignored through our busy schedules. I appreciate the noticeable things, but it’s the little things that make the biggest impact and they’re not so easy to spot. This trauma brought to light all the things I do on a daily basis that are just completely unimportant. This year will be filled with actions of intention and being present, taking time off when needed and even stepping outside of the social media world for mental breaks. It’s important and it means a lot to people around us.
I wanted to let go of this story and the pain so I can start fresh for 2019 and to give some perspective for the new year. My goal was never to share a negative experience, I always find positives in life and hopefully you can take something away from this story to help you in your journey. Sending you all so much love, joy, happiness and good fortune for the next year of your lives!
As for Sergio and I, we are so excited to start a family together and have faith that we’ll have healthy children in our future. For now, we will be focusing on planning our wedding and enjoying every moment of being engaged.